QuarterRack

2009-11-17T12:06:00.000-08:00

Everyone who had cash on Zorn, Cable, Mangini, and Mayor McCheese, please pay up.

4 Poorly Thought Out NFLShop.com Items/Sorry Sorry Sorry

2009-09-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

We learned this week the same lesson we’ve learned four times already, which is that moving takes four times longer then you think it will. Now we are a week late.

We are very sorry. Can we make up for it with a Home/Office Themed List of Four Poorly Thought-Out NFLShop.com Items?

OH GOD WHAT IS THAT?

Holy crap, that scared us. That is the most terrifying thing we have ever seen. It’s like the nightmare you have, you know, the one about the zombie horse that suddenly learns how to run on two legs and it’s from Indianapolis, so it won’t be like, really fast, but it will be fast enough where yeah, it’s a problem re: our continued survival? What the fuck is that thing, a Halloween decoration? A tween boy’s Trapper-Keeper cover...?

OH GOD, IT’S A BLANKET!?

We’re not wrapping ourselves up in that! That’s what it wants us to do! Oh Jesus, and it wants us to pass it on as an heirloom from generation to generation, too? So, you know, it just continues to be our family’s possession without an option in the contract for escape? Yeah, OK. We’re totally going to do that. That’s not at all how shit gets started.

2. The outlet also caters to the discerning customer who now must live in their car.

Also, please note the existence of a separate Tailgating/Outdoors section immediately beneath Home/Office, as well as this item’s placement in this section for every other team, as well. Thank you.

3. Upon closer inspection, they found that that Rosemary’s Baby was, in fact, the Redskins:

4. This item requires a little context before we show it to you.

Here is a selection of best-selling self-retracting tape measures from Home Depot:

Notice how they are all flat on the bottom. If you have ever had to measure anything before, you know that the reason for this is that measuring shit even slightly incorrectly can end up being a huge pain in the ass when you have to, oh we don’t know, get that thing into your new house.

There is a reason why they don’t feature designer measuring tapes on Cribs. It’s self-retracting tape measure, there’s no reward for the risk of experimenting with the visuals, because tape-measure is pretty much worthless if it ends up making DIY shelving units look like they once had childhood Polio.

But this achievement somehow manages to fail at looking like a helmet, a reliable measuring tool, and an item that actually exists in real life:

But you don't have to take it from me, because your first clue that maybe this isn't such a practical purchase is that people who bought this tape measure apparently also HAD TO GO AND BUY A SECOND FALCONS TAPE MEASURE.

Really, this is actually a brilliantly thought out item, because they are assuming that since you are looking in the outlet section of NFLShop.com at a Falcon’s tape measure that you are serious about neither the Falcons nor tape-measuring, only trying to combine as many of dad’s interests into one gift as possible.

DRUNK ME PICKS, WEEK 2

2009-09-20T03:24:00.001-07:00

This edition of Drunk Me Fantasy Football is brought to you by An Old Bottle Of Port I Found In The Trunk Of My Car:

1. FLAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOO

2. A&F is making Team Sproles t-shirts as we speak. Isn't that what the kids are wearing, now? Abercrombie and Fitch? TEAM SPROLES!

3. Uh, Adrian Peterson stopped to punch a guy last week. Please go ahead and sign him up for any and all fantasy teams you have, like your fantasy accountant team, or something.

4. Roddy, that is an Irish name.

5. Reggie, you do know that I'm just picking you for your fun friend, right? Right.

6. I looked at this just now and thought I'd picked Sherlock Holmes.

7. -BORING-

8. 20 dollars. Tony has a meltdown. You heard it here, first.

9. I like the Eagles' D, but come on, a salad bar sneeze guard would have appreciated in value against Delhomme.

WELL HELLO

2009-09-15T12:48:00.000-07:00

Hey Deadspin readers.

It's true. We have no idea what the hell we are doing in the web design department. Your comments have been awesome and truthful. We will be back on Thursday after we have moved to our new apartment, and figured out formatting and text blocks and ponies and such.

Mostly ponies.

(Also, Drunk Me, helmed by Flaaaaaaaccooooooooo, pretty much stomped Sober Me, helmed by Brady. More on that later.)

A Magical Safari Through Uncomfortable Moments in Press Conferences, Marvin Lewis:

2009-09-14T17:07:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'd change my name, too.

Though not to that one.

DRUNK ME PICKS:

2009-09-10T00:05:00.000-07:00

DRUNK ME PICKS:

Some notes:

1. FLAAAAAAACCCCCOOOOOOOOO!

Flacco is going to be like Felicity in the second season of 'Felicity', but diametrically opposed because he will have better hair choices. Maybe he'll grow a mustache! Please grow a mustache, Flacco!

2. I'm picking LT because the Americans with Disabilities Act says I cannot discriminate against cripples.

3. Who the hell is Reggie Bush?

4. Because Calvin Johnson will straight up frame Matthew Stafford for tax fraud if he does not get some decent passes this year, of this I am confidant.

5. Coles is kind of old, but so is Santa.

6. I likes Hines because he was in a winning super bowl and he is still cheap, like a Liz Claiborne bag at Marshalls.

7. Chris Cooley, I don't know how you found your way onto my fantasy roster, but I think you can see yourself out.

8. Vinateri is there in the event that Peyton Manning decides that this is the year that he is going to ruin Christmas for Gary, Indiana.

9. Because I had to pick something for Andrew.

YES!

SOBER ME PICKS:

2009-09-10T00:03:00.000-07:00

Drunk Me Vs. Sober Me Fantasy Football!

2009-09-09T11:55:00.001-07:00

This is the problem with fantasy football that dare not speak its name:

Playing While Sober Is Embarrassingly Stressful.

Sober me is a weenie. Sober me knows that she will ultimately be responsible for her bad choices in a legally-binding court of laughing peers. Sober me is aware of the sheer avalanche of knowledge required to be good at fantasy football, and that the effort required is stupidly disproportionate to the task. Sober me picks Peyton Manning, but feels hollow about it.

But drunk me?

But drunk me is not afraid to make the bold, non-sensical choices. Drunk me picks Drew Brees and Calvin Johnson, because bringing them together and away from their respective mediocre WRs and QB means that they will obviously play better. Drunk me picks the Browns' defense, because continuing to not pick the Browns' D would be foolishly disregarding the law of averages. Drunk me picks Troy Aikman, even though I have concerns about his refusal to change out of his suit.

WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING THERE?! THROW ON A JETS JERSEY!

And yet, strangely, Drunk Me tends to do better. But the important part is that Drunk Me is free to be unapologetically shitty at this. And isn't that what fun is supposed to be? A humiliation amnesty zone?

Right?

So obviously,

QuarterRack Will Be Pitting Drunk Me Against Sober Me!

Here is how this will work:

A. I will be playing salary-cap style.

B. Every week, Drunk Me and Sober Me will take turns making selections/trades first. Sober Me won the coin toss, so Sober Me will be going first. The second me to pick each week cannot have more than three (3) similar players to the other's roster, but for reasons you are about to experience, this will be a moot point.

~~C. As soon as Drunk Me and Sober Me make our selections, they will be posted here, along with important footnotes.~~

J/K, we'll just do the drunk picks.

D. After each weekend, we will tally the scores, the running scores, and the amount of times Drunk Me was right for incredibly inane reasons.

E. Winner has to do all of the loser's laundry for a week!

Would you like to play against drunk and sober me? Why, of course you would!

We are playing here.

The Group ID number: seven zero one eight.

The Group password: grossman. (I believe this is case sensitive)

Get to it!

SHOUT OUT!

2009-08-30T18:33:00.000-07:00

While I am basking in the glow of both Cutler's beautiful 98-yard-drive and a full body allergic reaction to clothes washed Purex 3-in-1 laundry sheets (they were 3-in-1! How could anyone resist?), I'd like to give a shout-out to Ben over at The Eagles Perch.

Because if you cannot love the Bears, you should love the predator of equivalent ferocity from the Avian family.

HI BEN!

We'll get a graphic for this next time.

(Hey, the rest of you: if you have a blog that you feel safe exposing to the world, or you would like to escort me to the box social, hit me up: quarterrackblog at gmail dot com.)

9 Poorly Thought-Out NFL.com Shop Items

2009-08-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

I know. You can license anything. The novelty of making fun of Cowboys-branded underwear is mostly a tired remnant of the 90’s, and you can’t make a joke concerning just the Cowboys and underwear, because all the other teams have terrible cafe press undies, too. But here is a list of items for sale that are clearly only appealing to those who have a horrible aversion to taking gift-giving holidays seriously.

A majority of this stuff is, as far as I could tell, either specific to the team/players in question, the nearly sole representative of the kind in the sale section, or hilariously styled.

EDIT: I can't count.

1. "Game Day" Caricature T-shirts:

Let’s break down why this is a bad idea.

A. This is a men’s shirt.

B. Have you all seen Jay Cutler? I mean, are we all familiar with what he looks like? He looks like this:

He looks like a Cabbage Patch kid.

This drawing is not a hilarious send-up of Cutler, because this is actually a marked improvement from Cutler’s real-life appearance. Which means that if you wear this thing on game day, and Cutler turns in a great performance, the very best case scenario for you is that you are still a man wearing a shirt with the handsome image of a man on it. This is a feeling similar to having your favorite male contestant finally, finally win American idol, and all of a sudden you are not sure where 6 months and $3,000 went.

Worst case scenario is that everyone wants to punch Cutler and now his face happens to be conveniently located next to the organ you will ironically need the most in order to drive yourself to the hospital.

In anticipation for the vast market potential for dudes who are just slightly more socially advanced than wolf t-shirts, but not so advanced where they no longer receive an allowance: a disproportionate number of these shirts feature white or white-inspired players (What color is Sanchez here, exactly?)

This looks like the artist didn't know Sanchez’s last name before he started, so he ended up hedging his bets between Arab and Jew.

Also, Chris Cooley, I’m not entirely sure how you found your way onto this shirt, but I think you can show yourself out.

2. This is a pork chop:

3. This is a hemorrhoid donut:

4. Hunter Cincinnati Bengals Puzzle:

Yes, let us enrich the children with a puzzle aimed at developing "coordination and recognition skills" that also features a bear as a Bengal.

5. Broncos Bean-Bag Toss:

This is a fairly accurate artistic representation of Kyle Orton's QB rating this year:

This is a fairly accurate literal representation of Kyle Orton's QB rating this year:

6. The NFL sheepisly treats its pro-shop like a garage sale for poor draft choices who end up proving themselves also to be poor sex-symbol choices:

This is an honor reserved for sub-par players inhabiting default star positions within franchises that have run out of patience for them, like quarterbacks who ingest paste;

As well as "star" players whose Google search results for this,

Are suddenly dwarfed by their Google search results for this:

leading to all of them getting their parking passes, and presumably their jerseys revoked.

However, if you happen to see Devin Hester, please do not tell him that for some strange reason, half of his ladies' replica jerseys are on sale.

Are you expecting a baby? Does Tom Coughlin dislike you?

Do you have a yellow magic marker and a nearby Fed-Ex? Do you need to tell Deanna Favre something?

Are you a grandparent who can't remember what age or city corresponds to this kid?

Are you a small dog who happens to know a good tailor, and you're panning on going to an ironic costume party?

8. Detroit Lions Scoreboard Desk Clock:

This is particularly unfortunate for the Lions because it's set it up so that the Lions are:

(12 x 60 = 720 potentially different time displays

(12+11+10+9+8+7+6+5+4+3+2+1) = 78 potential displays wherein the Lions are ahead.

720 – 78 = 642 potential displays wherein the Lions are tied or behind.

642/720 = ~.88)

losing 88 percent of all home games, a statistic that seems ridiculous until you see that this record managed to pan out nearly exactly (87.5%) in 1986, which was when clocks were invented.

9. But this staggering tradition of un-achievement is no longer an issue, since Detroit has apparently found a solution to its crappy game attendance, television blackout, and money tree infestation problems:

What's The Worst That Could Happen With The Texas Stadium HD Screen?

2009-08-27T22:46:00.000-07:00

By now you have most likely heard about the 180 foot long HD screen hanging above Texas stadium that is totally awesome except for the part where it keeps getting in the way of the ball.

So, how exactly will this end up panning out during regular season? We made a flow chart!

(Click to love on it!)

Potential New Careers For Rex Grossman: Fucking Stupid Asshole Who Throws One Pass, Does Not Complete It, Pulls His Hammy, And Goes Out For A Month

2009-08-21T09:44:00.001-07:00

YES YOU

A Children's Treasury of Uncomfortable Moments From Rex's Return To Employment, Awesome New Agent Drew Rosenhaus:

2009-08-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

This is Drew Rosenhaus, shirker of compound sentences. Drew Rosenhaus is what we would call a toss-up, in terms of evaluating whether or not he is an Uncomfortable Moment From Rex's Return to Employment.

Here are Drew's Pros:

Let us not misrepresent the facts. Drew Rosenhaus is a Big Shit Agent. There was even a Sportscenter commercial featuring him negotiating food for himself and his friends at the cafeteria, which he will presumably then feed to a live infant before he eats that.

DREW HUNGRY DREW NEED TO REACH ADULT HEIGHT

So, credit must be given for the minor miracle he pulled out getting Rex signed to a two-year, 625,000ish contract to fight for the 2nd mother fucking position in the Texans' depth chart, a competition that Rex (RE EE EX XX XXX!!) consequentially lost, most likely due to his refusal to have lunch with Drew Rosenhaus anymore.

Here are Drew's Cons:

But his company logo looks like the fucking Superman logo, if the Superman logo lost its job and became forced to move back in with its parents.

A Magical Safari Through Uncomfortable Moments in Press Conference Advertising, the Michael Vick-storm:

2009-08-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

ANDY REID! -- BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE EASY JOKE!

I'm Pretty Drunk Right Now.

2009-08-21T00:32:00.000-07:00

But I'm curious about some of my repeat business?

1. Who is the person who keeps visiting me from Belgium?

2. Who is the person who keeps visiting me from the office of the president at UCLA?

3. Who is the person who keeps visiting me from the Bronx?

4. Who is the person who keeps visiting me from San Luis Obispo?

5. Guy from Nigeria, I'm flattered, was this was really 4 minutes worth of interesting?

A Magical Safari Through Uncomfortable Moments in Press Conference Advertising, Michael Vick:

2009-08-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

(Everybody knows that August the month of news molasses/inconsequential drama/frolicking gaily with our heads detached from our bodies like poultry is wont to do. But it matters not what news you hit us over the heads with, Mrs. Favre, Vick, and Cable; it only matters who finds themselves caught shilling for you in the background when you break it.)

Michael Vick Comeback Concert!

Brought to you by...

...the fuck?

The fuck is this? Is this science?

Oh! Direct-to-consumer pharmaceutical marketing, you say? About the discontinuation of the old inhaler chemical known as CFC, you say?

Due to their violently ripping holes in the ozone layer, you say?

Bad, CFC inhalers! BAD! Stop tearing holes in things, while the cops are still out front.

...But Teva Pharmaceuticals' replacement chemical is totally awesome, you say? Citing predominantly one source, you say? But you don't really understand the point of citations, you say?

Source 5 is Logic!

Well, alright then.

Michael Vick! -- Brought to you by Teva Specialty Pharmaceuticals, Because What The Hell Are You Going To Do About It, Dog-Lover, Boycott The Environment?

I was going to go check out the section for medical professionals, but I got stopped by this guy:

Sorry, sorry! Next time I'll bring a note.

A Children's Treasury of Uncomfortable Moments From Rex's Return To Employment

2009-08-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

A Children's Treasury of Uncomfortable Moments from Rex's Return to Employment, Article 1, (Click to Enlarge) (Yes, this is real):

This is Why We Say No Comment/Ron Turner, Unhelpful

2009-08-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

(This is the beginning of a series we will alternately call

THIS IS WHY WE SAY NO COMMENT.

RON TURNER, YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

depending on whether or not the coordinator/line coach who has ditched his spokesman at Denny's is named Ron Turner or not.

Let us be serious, he will mostly be named Ron Turner.)

Shall we check in with The Bearkfast Club?

You probably know all about the glowing rainbow kisses everyone had for Jay+Greg = 4evers during camp.

Unfortunately, Saturday's game v. the Bills instead prominently featured the much more disappointing Jay +/- Stop Talking About My Diabetes(I LIKE PARTY) x (How Much For A Suitcase Full Of Nachos) + Normal Adjustment Period(STOP CALLING ME FAT) ≈ Fuck That Hester Guy.

Reporter: WTF was with that pass you under threw?

Jay: "Devin is more of a go-get-it guy; he is not really a back shoulder or jump-up-and-get-it [guy],"Cutler said Saturday. "You learn from it."

To Hester's credit, Hester took what was ostensibly a Pretty Dick Move and tried to bury it, as even he is aware that Michael Vick coming back from the dead is what you call a gift from the News Cycle Gods, and that one must not squander it.

So, TEN MILLION BASQUILLION BATMAN TRILLION guesses as to who is not aware of that?

"I look at [Cutler's shitty attitude] as a good thing," [Ron] Turner said. "He's got an edge about him that you better have if you're going to be an elite quarterback in this league."

"We don't want to temper [Cutler's shitty attitude] too much," Turner said. "Jay is an emotional guy and he's a fiery guy and he's a fiery competitor. That's why he's an elite quarterback [who left the Broncos due to his shitty attitude]."

"....Jay + Ron = Dinner on Saturday?"

sigh.

THIS IS WHY WE SAY NO COMMENT.

Also,

RON TURNER, YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

Well, at least that was the end of that drama OH NOOOOOO:

"There are a lot of things said when we're not playing the type of football we know we are capable of," [Lovie] Smith said.

...FEEL THE RAIN ON YOOOUUR SKIN!

NO ONE ELSE CAN FEEL IT FOR YOU Oh Jesus, moving on.

We're Back For Realsies This Time.

2009-08-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, we're back. We tried to wait until the regular season. We really did.

But then ~~Heathers~~ Favre and Vick decided they could go no longer without beginning their campaign for queen of the Legend In Their Own Minds prom, and in an Olive Garden somewhere, Rex is beginning to wonder why Google searches for his name are coming up dry.

We're back.

Your 2009 NFL Schedule Snark-o-Rama, (Part 1):

2009-04-15T03:18:00.000-07:00

The NFL released the 2009 schedule yesterday (exclusively on NFL.com!) along with, as an added bonus, an “analysis” of said schedule. And as you have probably deduced, the anonymous, in-house analysis is serious journalism.

Better yet, it looks a lot like dad printing up his own dad newsletter to further analyze the effect dad has on the family:

These observations span from the woefully obvious:

To some real stong denial:

To just plan meanness:

Which means they'll go -2-18, or something.

But the one of the overarching themes seems to be that every team is a terrible mess of man rage and in for the worst season of their lives, and ug, why are we even playing? Maybe we should just cancel football:

New insult: your team is so boring that when we talk about it, we have to spice it up with the Raiders:

Which admittedly, is a team helmed by the Tom Wolfe of football.

But it's never too grim for puns!

ZING!

...Zing?

As an added bonus, each team has “3 key moments” to look for this season, including this gem, wherein one “key moment” is literally wasted on an event that will not actually occur in this particular iteration of the universe:

Or these, which are not so much “key moments” as they are declarations that the Lions fail as much as the phrase “Lions blow” fails to meet the copy word count needed for the "3 key moments":

HAHAHA, Mangini will never be forgiven:

And finally, this:

Sorry, while I was waiting, I shot myself.

Suggestions For A New Logo That Will Make The Lions Appealing Again

2009-04-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

You have to love the Lions, a team so ridiculous that its proposed solution to not being very good, ever is refurbishing the old logo. This seems like a stupid idea, until you find out that the current logo lion is referred to as "Bubbles", a name which has the type of disturbing longevity you normally only end up with when you let a Make-A-Wish child come up with it.

While the new logo supposedly accidentally debuted on the NFL.com pro shop on, I am not making this up, the side of a toy truck, the Lions assert that the new, new logo will be unveiled for realsies next Monday. And seeing as how the leaked "new" logo is just the old logo minus some Botox:

Laugh lines AND suck lines.

We suspect they're going to need a total rebranding.

Suggestions For a New Logo That Will Make The Lions Appealing Again:

You can even leave the tail!

Because it worked for tobacco!

And if all else fails:

Because those will fix anything.

2009-04-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter!

Only 22 more Sundays to until we can start drinking on Sunday again!

(We'll be back tomorrow with some fun stuff.)

Potential New Careers For Rex Grossman: Social Deviant

2009-04-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

One of the sad things about college athletes is a common failure to see that 99% of them will end up as mechanics or cops or something that isn't pro-athlete, something they might have realized had they managed to pass statistics.

Your fallback is violin?

Unfortunately for many college athletes, other professional interests if they don't manage to go pro often involve Xbox or the sweet release of death. This is where the vaunted bullshit major comes in, the academic equivalent of this:

Which means that Rex's fallback degree is a bachelor's in "Leisure Management".

Rex forgets that the bullshit major is still kind of a secret, and attempts to blow it for everyone in the Sun-Times, cached here:

''I remember taking a class on stress and anxiety management, and for one period -- an hourlong class -- you had to bring in a pillow and take a nap,'' Grossman said.

The major requires a 2.0 GPA, as it does not require the ability to count to 3.

The rest academic course load at the University of Florida includes pretty much you're thinking, and in addition, this cryptic offering:

LEI 4770 Leisure Services for the Socially Deviant.
Credits: 3.
Principles and practices in planning and implementing programs for socially deviant.

I think that this means that Rex is either qualified to administer fun activities for prisoners, or host BDSM parties.

Or both.

Better Know A Back-Up Quarterback!

2009-04-03T14:03:00.001-07:00

(Speaking of the Brady-Cutler rule:

How much do you really know about your back-up quarterbacks? They could be Matt Cassel. But they could also be Ryan Leaf. Or they could just be a leaf blower, with a mustache glued on.)

So this is the first in a series of:)

Better Know A Back-Up Quarterback: Brett Basanez!

Basanezz Hands!

Rex was only the Bears’ second-string quarterback, but he was their starting Gil Gunderson.

So when it became clear that Rex was going thrown out the car window, Bears GM Jerry Angelo swiftly moved to replace him with Brett Basanez, presumably before Brett could run off to become a vacuum salesman.

Poor Brett. Assuming a position in the Bears’ quarterback depth chart has got to feel a lot like a hot dog being thrown down a hallway. On top of this: aside from the obligatory “Brett joins [X] franchise, Brett ruled at NU” news stories, Bretty Brett has an internet presence that is comparably comfortable to being around a guy who doesn’t realize that his date just stole his wallet.

Like this story from the Tribune, charitably entitled “Backup Battle Brewing for Chicago Bears Quarterbacks”, even though it is mostly just about how coaches are willing to go on record about how Caleb is like sunshine:

 "Every time we've given Caleb an opportunity, he has performed well," Smith said.

And Brett hoping that maybe he can transition this conversation into selling you a hot plate:

"I'm starting to get into it here, but there's definitely a learning curve," [Brett] said. "You have to get used to new terminology, guys running routes. There were a couple of throws [during camp] that I wish I could have had back.”

It's just this wacky ball shape that's killin' me!

Or this uncomfortable check-up on Brett’s life, which happens to be the day he gets the call about whether or not he is being cut from the Panthers.

“I'm married,” says Basanez, 25. “I want to be able to provide. And I don't like uncertainty in my life.”

I got kids who won't stop eating! They got to do it for ol' Brett!

Brett’s plan was to play cell phone hide and seek from Panther’s management, except with human infant, pre-object permanence rules:

“I hung up and kind of hoped they wouldn't call back,” Basanez says.

Mommy and daddy eventually find him though, in the corner, with a lampshade over his head. And cut him.

“I probably should have brought [Panthers GM John Fox] an apple, or a beer. I should have done something.”

He’s joking, but it’s like the drunk best man telling a joke during his toast about how he should have been the one to drive the bride home from the bar that first night they all met.

And then there is Brett’s official website, which consists only of this:

Ozymandias would be proud.

Cutler, Cutler, Cutler

2009-04-02T17:28:00.000-07:00

The Bears are about as good at developing a franchise quarterback as they are at losing their failing franchise quarterback's phone numbers, so why not grab someone who has already been through the washing machine a few times?

Breaking (your brain) News:
At 233 pounds, 6 ounces, the Bears (hereafter referred to as "we") are now the proud parents of a new baby boy! We're going to name him Jay Cutler, mostly because that's the name he came with on his Cabbage Patch Kid birth certificate.

That's a big purchase, though; must have cost us something pretty- OH GOD

THREE draft picks AND Orton? Why didn't we just throw in the spaceship part of soldier field?!

Because if Cutler sucks, WE WON'T BE SO MUCH NEEDING IT.

Also, if Cutler gets hurt, this is our current contingency plan:

1. Bretty Brett Brett: a dude that hasn't played since college, so he's a brain surgeon whose five year plan after graduation resulted in him becoming a mime.

2. Caleb: ditto, but in addition, the brain surgeon has only practiced on cantaloupes.

3. A slingshot made out of sausage casings.

4. Volcano.

Which means two things:

1. It's about to become the Brady-Cutler rule.

2. Somewhere, in a lonely refrigerator box, Rex Grossman is hoping for a call about a quarterback-off between him and that slingshot.

Not pictured: job.

This Is Why Your Upstart League (Will) Fail: UFL

2009-03-30T13:36:00.000-07:00

(A look at the failures of the near future, because what the fuck else is there to talk about until March Madness is over?)

United Football League: Fall '09

Oh, boy! New Football, you say?
Running concurrently with Old Football, you say?
Running concurrently with Old Football, College Football, and High School Football, you say?

...When exactly are these games being played, Tuesday?

The Spin:

“You like the NFL? You like Muppet Babies? You like them both as a singular concept? Then you’re going to love the UFL!”

“That mean, nasty NFL won’t let those poor major metropolitan areas of Las Vegas and Monterrey, Mexico to have their own franchises? We’ve got the dude who made the Jacksonville Jaguars HUGE! FOOTBALL FOR EEEERRRRYBODY!”

The Fail Points:

We’ve had this talk before. The NFL has a minor league. It’s called College. Unless you can prove to be as malleable, finite, and mom-approved as College, you can’t wear the minor league tiara.

Also, it’s clear you have not gotten to the “there aren’t enough dudes” part of the lesson, yet, so we’ll start smaller:

Las Vegas has a population of 600,000 people. Jacksonville has a population of 800,000 people. They also have similar average middle class incomes (about $45,000/year). Therefore, if you happen to fire your demographic researcher at that point, then yes, they are totally the same.

Until you remember that Jacksonville sits in an area of the country where people actually fucking live; in addition, it’s a southern city with three military bases, making it home to people who tend to be into football. Furthermore, and I don’t mean to pile on or anything, but people have lived in Jacksonville since about the time of Genesis, which, even if you're a resident of the South, is still a solid 6,000 years.

So, NFL brand consciousness + built in Jacksonville brand loyalty = we can throw this together in between bong hits.

I mean, seriously, the Jacksonville mascot looks like the brainchild of someone who got fired from the Henson creature shop in the 80’s for throwing up inside of Big Bird, and named with the help of a local mom’s half-finished French degree.

This was not a hard sell.

On the other hand, this is Las Vegas:

It is literally a truck stop that got out of control. Giving them a franchise of something is like giving one to the World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn off interstate 45.

Also, regarding Monterrey: you do know that real, actual football (the kind played with feet) has sort of a monopoly on the rest of the world, right? It’s great that this particular Mexican city has a couple of popular local teams, but for some perspective, their importance in mentioning order on the list of sports on the Monterrey wikipedia page is deemed below karate, and slightly above fishing.

Which, slightly above fishing? That’s practically at the same level of popularity as fishing! Why don’t we just give fishing it’s own football franchise?

Do you see how retarded that sounds? That is what you sound like, Nancy Pelosi's Husband, when you try to tell me that franchising Jacksonville and Las Vegas will be similar.

Oh, and Also:

Have I mentioned that the commissioner of the UFL, Michael Huyghue, was also Pacman Jones' agent in 2007, overseeing Pacman's delightful romp into wrestling while suspended from football, and battling the rap for his strip club assault charges?

On Ryan Moats:

2009-03-27T12:54:00.001-07:00

Let's talk about this winner for a moment.

As some of you may or may not know, I spent a substantial amount of my youth in Plano, TX, living about 15 minutes away from the very hospital where this took place. I could have gone to high school with this kid. I've noticed that many people's first inclinations are to say, "Well, that's Texas for you. Fucking Texas. Fucking White Dudes. Fucking Cops."

The really frightening thing about this, though, is that it's much less terrifying to say that this is a product of racism, geography, or cop-ery. If we can blame it on one of those those things, it gives us a ghostie that we can Pac-Man ourselves the fuck away from.

The truth, however, is that in a vacuum, people who fantasize about causing pain, who see themselves on tape inflicting pain and sincerely do not understand what the problem is, exist. And there is nothing we can do about it.

---

Except make sure that he never gets laid again.

2009-03-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

Hey, new Cracked friends.

I promise that you don't have to know anything about this game to follow most of what I talk about. You just have to be fluent in jerk.

This Is Why Your Upstart League Fails: XFL

2009-03-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

My God, From Whence Did It Come?

One of the best things about elderly self-made millionaires is that their business models stopped developing in approximately 1982. Which means that being Vince McMahon’s (of WWE fame) friend in the late 90’s was probably a lot like being on the development team for the Spork. No, seriously guys, what if we invented a sport that could dominate the market share for union and middle management types, AND the market share for the uncle that we regret co-signing on a loan for?

No, Vince. One plus one does not equal money. A spork is really just a broken spoon. And thusly, the XFL, one of the most televised Franken-sports ever, was created.

The XFL of personal hygiene

But How Could It Ever Go Wrong?

Well, for starters, NBC owned half of it.

You have to feel a little sorry for the mega-corporations that are in charge of taking popular content and tailoring it for the “every dude”. Frankly, none of these guys has ever been the every dude. Their exposure to the middle of the country is pretty much limited to the time they had to watch Paint Your Wagon because grandma was dying and the nursing home cheaped out on the movie channels.

This is why instead of a coin toss, there was literally a fist fight in the middle of the field for possession. Many of the cheerleaders were adult actresses. The soundtrack was mostly someone setting a Casiotone to White Snake 3 and having them mash the keys.

“This is what they’re into, right?” They must ask to no one, while bumping lines and nibbling on half of a baby. “Noise and boob?”

To make things worse, no other network was willing to pimp the wares of a rival network, which means that to find out XFL scores, short of actually watching NBC, your only hope was that the unusually small door at the end of that hallway was actually a portal into Jeff Zucker’s brain.

So, at the end of 2001, Vince and NBC had an poorly exposed league that was hemorraging money like a bank safe that had just lost in an XFL coin toss, that furthermore had a target demographic of imaginary people, presumably 80’s hairstyles that had developed consciousness.

BELETED.

Fun Fact!

The X in XFL does not stand for XTREMEMEME!!! as the eXtreme Arena Football League had beaten them to embarrassing themselves at the trademark office. It actually stands for nothing, a la "X-mas," "Xtina," or "eXcellent use of the Seinfeld money."

Potential New Careers For Rex Grossman: Quarterback

2009-03-18T10:56:00.001-07:00

Hey, did you know that we're in a recession?

The big employment vacuum cleaner sucked up all the jobs, and then revealed himself to be an otherworldly being, only to then blast off with every industry ever, never to return. This means we will all have to eat our pets.

But it's not just the little people.

As much as I joke about how Rex's future employment prospects most likely involve personal appearances at the VFW (in exchange for enough alcohol to get him to finally sleep), Rex is significantly less fun unless he becomes some other team's problem. The part-time quarterback, full-time sex cannon went free agent on February 26th, and because every unemployed person who is asked this question looks forward to the schadenfreude-tastic day where they get to ask it to someone else:

Hey, how's the job search going, buddy?

Feb 27: The utter shock of being dumped results in standards immediately bottoming out. Rex gives the 2008 Lions the type of rim job they would normally only receive if they were wearing a paper bag over their heads.

March 4: Rex comes to his senses and remembers that the draft is the NFL equivalent of the Teen Makeover Movie. Except that it's every girl in school, and they all get makeovers that are inversely proportional to how ugly they were in the previous year. Which means that the Rachel Lions Cook are probably going to be able to snag a better prom date then him this year. Bummer, dude.

But hey! He sees the Bengals over there, lookin' pretty easy. Nice.

March 5th: Rex waits for a phone call!

March 6th-17th: Rex watches a lot of Judge Judy.

FREE AGENCY '09 RULEZ!!!111!!!!!

This Is Why Your Upstart Football League Fails: WFL

2009-03-16T11:01:00.000-07:00

This is the NFL:

In 2005, it made 5.7 billion dollars in a market for which it has no major competition. So they’re pretty much playing a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos, except that the marbles are diamonds, and they broke the other three hippos.

“Gee Whiz!” You must be thinking, if you are a man of moderate fortune and worse impulse control. “If I could come up with my own NFL, could I be eating some of those diamonds?”

The short answer? No. The long answer?

(This is the first in a series of hilarious doomed professional football leagues that did not even come close to making it.)

World Football League (1974-1975)

But I’m Sure It Was Special in its Own Way!

Absolutely. The WFL was revolutionary in that it realized the best way to get the NFL’s attention was to start rampantly stealing its players. And not one or two who’d accidentally killed hookers and needed to go where no audience share could find them, like the other upstart leagues.

60 of them.

This was back when NFL players were amongst the most poorly paid professional athletes, and when the WFL came to town with its promises of shark tanks, pirate doubloons, and a monorail, the floodgates opened. So you can credit the WFL with introducing the weird greed induced psychosis that some NFL players tend to drift into.

The Oakland Raiders lost both their quarterbacks, and the loss of three star players completely derailed the Miami Dolphins’s Super Bowl streak, a blow from which they did not recover until whenever it is that they finally recover from that.

So how could this possibly go bad?

Have you ever purchased an NFL player? Of course not. You have a rent-controlled spleen.

The vast majority of upstart leagues are eventually dragged behind the barn and shot because of money issues. But in every league besides the WFL, the only thing they require of players is that you’ve looked at a football once, and didn't eat it right away.

Add to the mix the fact that the WFL was giving away or severely discounting the majority of its tickets, and this meant for financial problems straight out of a Dickens novel.

Players from the Portland Storm were reportedly fed by local citizens, while the Florida Blazers had to survive on McDonald’s vouchers. The Charlotte Hornets had their uniforms impounded, presumably because they had left them in a fire lane.

Along with teams demanding relocations (amongst them, no kidding, the Detroit Wheels), the team’s hemmoraging bottom line was such a laughingstock that, at the World Football League’s championship game, in order to avoid embarrassment over possibly bouncing a check, the prize money was just stacked in cash on a table in the middle of the field.

Oh God, it’s horrible, KILL IT.

In true WFL fashion, the day after the World Bowl, the champion’s uniforms were confiscated by sheriff’s deputies. And when you’ve become that wacky league best known for having your clothes repossessed, it’s probably not a good time to make a play for Joe Namath.

Joe, to his future internet lulz credit, actually did consider joining, but then he realized he was Joe Namath, and re-signed with the Jets. The WFL died of a broke(n) heart shortly thereafter.

Fun Fact!

This league has the great distinction of not actually ever having a single franchise out of the United States, though not for lack of trying. The furthest they got was Hawaii, where they were most likely stopped for indecent exposure.

Why Are The Upstart Football Leagues So Fail-y?

2009-03-06T10:59:00.000-08:00

Besides the classic “Infantile understanding of the operating costs of an upstart company that has to start out at a comparable size to Coca-Cola”, there is a big miscalculation that every league, every time, seems to make.

This is strange, as the reason is obvious to me, and I am merely a lady bystander. And these dudes are not bystanders; they have millions upon millions of dollars, presumably in quarters.

I suspect it’s because the type of guy who thinks a smart business decision would be to start his own professional football league is just a really rich version of the guy who thinks a good business decision would be to open his own bar. Unfortunately, the money the first dude is throwing away isn’t “dad’s nest egg”, it’s “dad’s children’s hospital”.

So, I’m going to break it down for you, real simple, like if you’re someone who can’t hear really well due to the height of your popped collar. Because statistically speaking, you’re probably the dude who is going to attempt this in 15 years, and the sad babies with Hodgkin’s are just going to keep showing up on the horrible infomercials that you accidentally DVR'd instead of Rock of Love Bus.

This Is Why Your Upstart Professional Football League Fails:

It’s not necessarily poor planning. David Dixon, ringmaster of the USFL, spent 15 years studying the spring football league market, past failed attempts at creating one, and potential business models; he even commissioned a study. This was a man with a plan.

This was also a man that apparently nobody loved, as no one bothered to point out that the reasons why spring leagues don’t work have almost nothing to do with fan interest.

It actually has almost everything to do with God rationing physically exceptional people like supplies on Oregon trail.

For Your Perusal, Some Visual Aids:

This graph is not to scale, but take my word for it. "The Dregs" is neither a large group, nor an awesome nickname for a renegade linebacker who plays by nobody’s rules. It is a group roughly the size of a Girl Scout troupe.

Why Not Just Borrow the NFL Players During the Spring?

No. Contract issues aside, football players are not like other athletes.

Say you have two friends, one who is really fun, and one who is just OK. You go out with the really fun one and drink like a champ all night, and then pass out at 4. Then the just OK friend calls you at 11 AM, and says there’s a huge party and everyone is there, and you should come drink like a champ with him.

To which you say:

"No, dude. My body simply cannot do it. I need to spend the day watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and eating Cheet-os. And I’d go out with you later, when I am recovered, but I have a standing commitment with my really fun friend."

There is a reason why a team only plays 16 regular season games a year: because each of those 16 games is like the worst bender of your life.

Why Not Just Use Draft and Free Agency Rejects and Promising Arena Football players?

Unfortunately, because you have decided to start your league after the NFL established its slightly illegal monopoly, people have become accustomed to a crazy genetic freak-man level of play. Sorry. Maybe you shouldn't have spent that year after college backpacking.

Furthermore, all the genetic football freaks have plans to...uh, wash their hair this Saturday night, and pretty much every other night you plan on asking them. Sorry. Maybe you shouldn't be so ugly.

And as much as we bitch about how Rex Grossman will be bagging groceries in 4 months (and dropping half the shit on the floor), the truth is that if you stuck him (a mostly unimpressive NFL player) in a game with draft rejects (as is the standard business model for the majority of upstart leagues), the game becomes such a consistent bloodbath that it's not really that fun to watch. Because any NFL Player, even the one I want to send to the glue factory, is able to play better then anyone who can't get in, by virtue of the fact that games do not straight up kill them.

Even worse, the upstart league bloodbath ends up being like the bloodbath executed by the 5th grade soccer team composed of players who just happened to be born right after the grade cut-off.

God dammit I hate this asshole.

And THAT is the big problem. Yes, you have an audience, congratulations on none of you ever collaborating in order to figure that out. But you have no actual product, because someone else has it all, and you have no way of getting it, because who the hell wants to go to a party at 11 AM, hungover, with a friend who is kind of boring? Which means that every time one of you tools tries to start one of these, it’s a step or two above a massive Ponzi scheme.

Also, sending someone to Arena Football League games in order to find and bring back the next Kurt Warner is a fun assignment that you might give to that guy in middle management who has been asking for more responsibility, and who you don’t really ever want to see again.

If this all seems super obvious to you, that is because it is obvious. And yet people cannot resist the urge to keep trying to make it happen.

2009-03-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

(Many NFL players join the league, retire, and live happily ever after. Many more join the league, retire, and then slowly slide into depression, divorce, and debt. But some guys join the league, retire, and then apparently have a blood debt to pay in exchange for their career. And when Satan comes to collect for services rendered, he is a jerk. This is the first in an ongoing series of Epic NFL Players Who Did Not So Much Do With The Riding Into The Sunset. Because sometimes, you need to feel better about your life as a toilet salesman.)

Walter Payton:

The weird thing about this one is that Walter Payton had the scariest, gassiest, mustache-iest bodyguards ever: the City of Chicago. Seriously, if you’re in Chicago, and find yourself in a situation where you have to choose between insulting Walter Payton, and robbing a bank, we hope for your sake that you’re this guy:

Because then at least you could do the bank thing.

In addition to being vouched for by the room-clearing sausage fart capital of the world, Walter Payton is universally regarded as one of the greatest running backs of all time. He went to the Pro-Bowl nine times, which is only one time less then the number of times Eli Manning goes to the pro-bowl in that dream he has where Archie Manning finally loves him.

And then he got Primary Schlerosing Cholangitis.

No, not Eli. Walter.

This is an illness so complicated to pronounce, we would probably have to point to it on the menu when the waiter asked for our order.

Primary sclerosing cholangitis is French for “Your liver has submitted its resignation, and Lifetime’s movie people would like to do lunch.”

Payton spent his last 10 months recording public service ads for organ donation, complete with the tasty irony of having recorded the first one after his disease was too advanced for a transplant to make any difference. Which would be the tasty irony on special at Walter Payton’s Roundhouse, were it not already this:

Yeah, he's awesome.

Potential New Careers For Rex Grossman:

2009-01-17T11:12:00.000-08:00

Jack-O-Lantern!

Some Players From My Wildcard Week Fantasy Team With Whom I Am Unhappy, And Would Like to Have a Word.

2009-01-06T11:09:00.000-08:00

Colts Defense:

OK. Obviously this was my bad.

This defense is ranked something like 867th in the league. There are Gulf Coast protective systems more capable of working together to stop a passing game running game a game.

See? They're at least plugging one hole.

The Colts D have no business being on anyone’s fantasy team unless the trade-off is for something real, like drugs. And especially the playoff week against a passing game like Phillip Rivers and whomever he surgically inserted magnets into.

But I thought, hey, Peyton has really been playing better well lately, and fuck it, a team that more or less consistently gets it done must be doing something right? Right.

I was also out of money.

In truth, the Colts suffer from Pussycat Dolls syndrome. You assume that they’re hot, but when you examine them individually, you realize that at least one of them is a dude.

Seriously, guess.

So that was my fault. But the part in OT where you all decided you were done playing football and ready to play KY wrestling, instead? You guys are jerks.

Correll Buckhalter:

About halfway through the Eagles/Vikings game, I actually said aloud, to no one in particular: isn't Westbrook supposed to be broken? Is Correll even at this game? Is he actually at the Applebee’s across the street? Is Andy Reid actually a 12-year-old with a burning coaching dream, wearing a sad merkin, and sitting on Correll’s shoulders under that coat?

So you can imagine how annoyed I was when I saw this after Westbrook (WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BROKEN) ran in his TD:

Oh COME ON, Correll. I DON’T GET ANY POINTS FOR A PASS COMPLETION OF WESTBROOK. You had the energy to run your ass down to the end zone to catch him, but you couldn’t manage to get it together and either be open at the right time, or trip the dude and recover the fumble? I’m sure you’ve at least got one hooker to impress.

Cheering is extra.

(To be fair, I had earned two points from him prior to this arrival, but I didn’t see that/those play(s), so I assume it was a dude in a Correll costume.)

Dallas Clark:

Are you serious, Dallas Clark? IT’S PEYTON FUCKING MANNING. I have to say fucking, because his middle name is actually a Mayan curse that stops your heart that Mel Gibson might have made up. You have the easiest job on this team, except for maybe Tony Dungy’s part-time job as Blaxploitation WaLuigi.

You’re not even the dude in the Pussycat Dolls. You’re the chick in the hood that just has her head photo-shopped in. Whatever, I have my pick from the top seeded teams, now. You have to go home and rim your cat, or whatever else it is you do in this alternate universe where you are a professional athlete who can’t get it together for Peyton Manning.

Potential New Careers For Rex Grossman: Wikimedia Board Member

2009-01-04T11:13:00.000-08:00

Poor Rex. It must be heartbreaking to be so bad at your job that you’re second string to an injured Dave Grohl.

One of the more unintentionally hilarious parts of this year’s Bears season was the sideline check-in shots of Rex: the only guy on the bench wearing his helmet, doing Pilates for some reason. In the 1st quarter, there would be a hopeful glance at Lovie whenever Kyle took a hard fall. By the 2nd quarter, there would be a hopeful glance at Lovie whenever dudes in any position took a hard fall.

By the 4th quarter, he had ordered pizza.

But anyway, poor Rex was almost tossed in a bag and sold on eBay during off-season last year, but sadly, a new puppy is a big responsibility, and no one wanted him.

Should have advertised.

Rexy was signed to a one year contract, as well as a quarterback-off at high noon against Lovie’s other ex-boyfriend, Kyle Orton. We rooted for Kyle because while he was also a shitastrophe, that was, like, 4 years ago, so maybe he’s different now?

As to be expected, Rex left the toilet seat up, and was banished to the bench. He’ll most likely be thrown out the car window when they’re sure no one is looking. Also, Lovie is probably tired of hearing Rex insist he’d read somewhere that originally there was also a “chick part” to the quarterback position, like "on that dancing show", and he’s been doing all these Pilates...

But Rexy has got a long career of being cranky in bowling alleys ahead of him! And he can’t work at the McDonalds, like those normal assholes. So, here is the first in a series of Potential New Careers for Rex Grossman:

Wikimedia Board Member!

I hear through the grapevine that the Wikimedia foundation is looking for several a board member or two.

And what better candidate then a dude who has clearly authored his own wikipedia page:

He won't even have to send in his resume! And if anyone asks him what he's been doing since 2006, he can refer them to the Papa Johns on Michigan Ave.