Friday, September 25, 2009

4 Poorly Thought Out NFLShop.com Items/Sorry Sorry Sorry

We learned this week the same lesson we’ve learned four times already, which is that moving takes four times longer then you think it will. Now we are a week late.


We are very sorry. Can we make up for it with a Home/Office Themed List of Four Poorly Thought-Out NFLShop.com Items?


1.


OH GOD WHAT IS THAT? 



Holy crap, that scared us. That is the most terrifying thing we have ever seen. It’s like the nightmare you have, you know, the one about the zombie horse that suddenly learns how to run on two legs and it’s from Indianapolis, so it won’t be like, really fast, but it will be fast enough where yeah, it’s a problem re: our continued survival? What the fuck is that thing, a Halloween decoration? A tween boy’s Trapper-Keeper cover...? 

Sunday, September 20, 2009

DRUNK ME PICKS, WEEK 2

This edition of Drunk Me Fantasy Football is brought to you by An Old Bottle Of Port I Found In The Trunk Of My Car:




1. FLAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOO

2. A&F is making Team Sproles t-shirts as we speak. Isn't that what the kids are wearing, now? Abercrombie and Fitch? TEAM SPROLES! 

3. Uh, Adrian Peterson stopped to punch a guy last week. Please go ahead and sign him up for any and all fantasy teams you have, like your fantasy accountant team, or something. 

4. Roddy, that is an Irish name.

5. Reggie, you do know that I'm just picking you for your fun friend, right? Right.

6. I looked at this just now and thought I'd picked Sherlock Holmes. 

7. -BORING-

8. 20 dollars. Tony has a meltdown. You heard it here, first. 

9. I like the Eagles' D, but come on, a salad bar sneeze guard would have appreciated in value against Delhomme. 

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

WELL HELLO

Hey Deadspin readers.

It's true. We have no idea what the hell we are doing in the web design department. Your comments have been awesome and truthful. We will be back on Thursday after we have moved to our new apartment, and figured out formatting and text blocks and ponies and such.

Mostly ponies.

(Also, Drunk Me, helmed by Flaaaaaaaccooooooooo, pretty much stomped Sober Me, helmed by Brady. More on that later.)  

Monday, September 14, 2009

Thursday, September 10, 2009

DRUNK ME PICKS:

DRUNK ME PICKS:


Some notes:

1. FLAAAAAAACCCCCOOOOOOOOO!

Flacco is going to be like Felicity in the second season of 'Felicity', but diametrically opposed because he will have better hair choices. Maybe he'll grow a mustache! Please grow a mustache, Flacco!

2. I'm picking LT because the Americans with Disabilities Act says I cannot discriminate against cripples.

3. Who the hell is Reggie Bush?

4. Because Calvin Johnson will straight up frame Matthew Stafford for tax fraud if he does not get some decent passes this year, of this I am confidant.

5. Coles is kind of old, but so is Santa.

6. I likes Hines because he was in a winning super bowl and he is still cheap, like a Liz Claiborne bag at Marshalls.

7. Chris Cooley, I don't know how you found your way onto my fantasy roster, but I think you can see yourself out.

8. Vinateri is there in the event that Peyton Manning decides that this is the year that he is going to ruin Christmas for Gary, Indiana.

9. Because I had to pick something for Andrew.

YES!

SOBER ME PICKS:

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Drunk Me Vs. Sober Me Fantasy Football!

This is the problem with fantasy football that dare not speak its name:


Playing While Sober Is Embarrassingly Stressful.


Sober me is a weenie. Sober me knows that she will ultimately be responsible for her bad choices in a legally-binding court of laughing peers. Sober me is aware of the sheer avalanche of knowledge required to be good at fantasy football, and that the effort required is stupidly disproportionate to the task. Sober me picks Peyton Manning, but feels hollow about it.

But drunk me?


But drunk me is not afraid to make the bold, non-sensical choices. Drunk me picks Drew Brees and Calvin Johnson, because bringing them together and away from their respective mediocre WRs and QB means that they will obviously play better. Drunk me picks the Browns' defense, because continuing to not pick the Browns' D would be foolishly disregarding the law of averages. Drunk me picks Troy Aikman, even though I have concerns about his refusal to change out of his suit.



WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING THERE?! THROW ON A JETS JERSEY! 

And yet, strangely, Drunk Me tends to do better. But the important part is that Drunk Me is free to be unapologetically shitty at this. And isn't that what fun is supposed to be? A humiliation amnesty zone? 



Right?

So obviously,

QuarterRack Will Be Pitting Drunk Me Against Sober Me!

Here is how this will work: 

A. I will be playing salary-cap style. 

B. Every week, Drunk Me and Sober Me will take turns making selections/trades first. Sober Me won the coin toss, so Sober Me will be going first. The second me to pick each week cannot have more than three (3) similar players to the other's roster, but for reasons you are about to experience, this will be a moot point.

C. As soon as Drunk Me and Sober Me make our selections, they will be posted here, along with important footnotes.
J/K, we'll just do the drunk picks.

D. After each weekend, we will tally the scores, the running scores, and the amount of times Drunk Me was right for incredibly inane reasons.  

E. Winner has to do all of the loser's laundry for a week!

--

Would you like to play against drunk and sober me? Why, of course you would!

We are playing here
The Group ID number: seven zero one eight. 
The Group password: grossman. (I believe this is case sensitive)

Get to it!