Sunday, August 30, 2009

SHOUT OUT!

While I am basking in the glow of both Cutler's beautiful 98-yard-drive and a full body allergic reaction to clothes washed Purex 3-in-1 laundry sheets (they were 3-in-1! How could anyone resist?), I'd like to give a shout-out to Ben over at The Eagles Perch.
Because if you cannot love the Bears, you should love the predator of equivalent ferocity from the Avian family. 

HI BEN!
We'll get a graphic for this next time. 

(Hey, the rest of you: if you have a blog that you feel safe exposing to the world, or you would like to escort me to the box social, hit me up: quarterrackblog at gmail dot com.)

9 Poorly Thought-Out NFL.com Shop Items

I know. You can license anything. The novelty of making fun of Cowboys-branded underwear is mostly a tired remnant of the 90’s, and you can’t make a joke concerning just the Cowboys and underwear, because all the other teams have terrible cafe press undies, too. But here is a list of items for sale that are clearly only appealing to those who have a horrible aversion to taking gift-giving holidays seriously.

A majority of this stuff is, as far as I could tell, either specific to the team/players in question, the nearly sole representative of the kind in the sale section, or hilariously styled. 


EDIT: I can't count.


 

1.  "Game Day" Caricature T-shirts:

Let’s break down why this is a bad idea.

A. This is a men’s shirt.

B. Have you all seen Jay Cutler? I mean, are we all familiar with what he looks like? He looks like this:

He looks like a Cabbage Patch kid.

This drawing is not a hilarious send-up of Cutler, because this is actually a marked improvement from Cutler’s real-life appearance. Which means that if you wear this thing on game day, and Cutler turns in a great performance, the very best case scenario for you is that you are still a man wearing a shirt with the handsome image of a man on it. This is a feeling similar to having your favorite male contestant finally, finally win American idol, and all of a sudden you are not sure where 6 months and $3,000 went.

Worst case scenario is that everyone wants to punch Cutler and now his face happens to be conveniently located next to the organ you will ironically need the most in order to drive yourself to the hospital.

In anticipation for the vast market potential for dudes who are just slightly more socially advanced than wolf t-shirts, but not so advanced where they no longer receive an allowance: a disproportionate number of these shirts feature white or white-inspired players (What color is Sanchez here, exactly?)


This looks like the artist didn't know Sanchez’s last name before he started, so he ended up hedging his bets between Arab and Jew.

Also, Chris Cooley, I’m not entirely sure how you found your way onto this shirt, but I think you can show yourself out.


2. This is a pork chop

3. This is a hemorrhoid donut:

4. Hunter Cincinnati Bengals Puzzle:

Yes, let us enrich the children with a puzzle aimed at developing "coordination and recognition skills" that also features a bear as a Bengal. 

5. Broncos Bean-Bag Toss:

This is a fairly accurate artistic representation of Kyle Orton's QB rating this year:

This is a fairly accurate literal representation of Kyle Orton's QB rating this year:

6. The NFL sheepisly treats its pro-shop like a garage sale for poor draft choices who end up proving themselves also to be poor sex-symbol choices:

This is an honor reserved for sub-par players inhabiting default star positions within franchises that have run out of patience for them, like quarterbacks who ingest paste;

As well as "star" players whose Google search results for this,


Are suddenly dwarfed by their Google search results for this:

leading to all of them getting their parking passes, and presumably their jerseys revoked.

However, if you happen to see Devin Hester, please do not tell him that for some strange reason, half of his ladies' replica jerseys are on sale. 

 7.

  

Are you expecting a baby? Does Tom Coughlin dislike you?

Do you have a yellow magic marker and a nearby Fed-Ex? Do you need to tell Deanna Favre something? 

Are you a grandparent who can't remember what age or city corresponds to this kid? 

Are you a small dog who happens to know a good tailor, and you're panning on going to an ironic costume party?

8. Detroit Lions Scoreboard Desk Clock:


This is particularly unfortunate for the Lions because it's set it up so that the Lions are:

(12 x 60 = 720 potentially different time displays

(12+11+10+9+8+7+6+5+4+3+2+1) = 78 potential displays wherein the Lions are ahead.

720 – 78 = 642 potential displays wherein the Lions are tied or behind.

642/720 = ~.88)

losing 88 percent of all home games, a statistic that seems ridiculous until you see that this record managed to pan out nearly exactly (87.5%) in 1986, which was when clocks were invented.

9. But this staggering tradition of un-achievement is no longer an issue, since Detroit has apparently found a solution to its crappy game attendance, television blackout, and money tree infestation problems:

Thursday, August 27, 2009

What's The Worst That Could Happen With The Texas Stadium HD Screen?

By now you have most likely heard about the 180 foot long HD screen hanging above Texas stadium that is totally awesome except for the part where it keeps getting in the way of the ball.

So, how exactly will this end up panning out during regular season? We made a flow chart!

(Click to love on it!)



Friday, August 21, 2009

Potential New Careers For Rex Grossman: Fucking Stupid Asshole Who Throws One Pass, Does Not Complete It, Pulls His Hammy, And Goes Out For A Month


YES YOU

A Children's Treasury of Uncomfortable Moments From Rex's Return To Employment, Awesome New Agent Drew Rosenhaus:



This is Drew Rosenhaus, shirker of compound sentences. Drew Rosenhaus is what we would call a toss-up, in terms of evaluating whether or not he is an Uncomfortable Moment From Rex's Return to Employment.

Here are Drew's Pros:

Let us not misrepresent the facts. Drew Rosenhaus is a Big Shit Agent. There was even a Sportscenter commercial featuring him negotiating food for himself and his friends at the cafeteria, which he will presumably then feed to a live infant before he eats that. 


DREW HUNGRY DREW NEED TO REACH ADULT HEIGHT

So, credit must be given for the minor miracle he pulled out getting Rex signed to a two-year, 625,000ish contract to fight for the 2nd mother fucking position in the Texans' depth chart, a competition that Rex (REEEEXXXXXX!!) consequentially lost, most likely due to his refusal to have lunch with Drew Rosenhaus anymore. 

Here are Drew's Cons:



But his company logo looks like the fucking Superman logo, if the Superman logo lost its job and became forced to move back in with its parents.

A Magical Safari Through Uncomfortable Moments in Press Conference Advertising, the Michael Vick-storm:

 ANDY REID! -- BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE EASY JOKE!

I'm Pretty Drunk Right Now.

But I'm curious about some of my repeat business?

1. Who is the person who keeps visiting me from Belgium?
2. Who is the person who keeps visiting me from the office of the president at UCLA?
3. Who is the person who keeps visiting me from the Bronx?
4. Who is the person who keeps visiting me from San Luis Obispo?
5. Guy from Nigeria, I'm flattered, was this was really 4 minutes worth of interesting?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

A Magical Safari Through Uncomfortable Moments in Press Conference Advertising, Michael Vick:

(Everybody knows that August the month of news molasses/inconsequential drama/frolicking gaily with our heads detached from our bodies like poultry is wont to do. But it matters not what news you hit us over the heads with, Mrs. Favre, Vick, and Cable; it only matters who finds themselves caught shilling for you in the background when you break it.)

Michael Vick Comeback Concert!


Brought to you by...

...the fuck?




The fuck is this? Is this science? 



Oh! Direct-to-consumer pharmaceutical marketing, you say? About the discontinuation of the old inhaler chemical known as CFC, you say?


Due to their violently ripping holes in the ozone layer, you say?



Bad, CFC inhalers! BAD! Stop tearing holes in things, while the cops are still out front. 


...But Teva Pharmaceuticals' replacement chemical is totally awesome, you say? Citing predominantly one source, you say? But you don't really understand the point of citations, you say? 


Source 5 is Logic!


Well, alright then. 

Michael Vick! -- Brought to you by Teva Specialty Pharmaceuticals, Because What The Hell Are You Going To Do About It, Dog-Lover, Boycott The Environment?

I was going to go check out the section for medical professionals, but I got stopped by this guy:



Sorry, sorry! Next time I'll bring a note. 


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A Children's Treasury of Uncomfortable Moments From Rex's Return To Employment

A Children's Treasury of Uncomfortable Moments from Rex's Return to Employment, Article 1, (Click to Enlarge) (Yes, this is real):



This is Why We Say No Comment/Ron Turner, Unhelpful

(This is the beginning of a series we will alternately call 

THIS IS WHY WE SAY NO COMMENT.

or

RON TURNER, YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

depending on whether or not the coordinator/line coach who has ditched his spokesman at Denny's is named Ron Turner or not.

Let us be serious, he will mostly be named Ron Turner.)


Shall we check in with The Bearkfast Club?

You probably know all about the glowing rainbow kisses everyone had for Jay+Greg = 4evers during camp.

Unfortunately, Saturday's game v. the Bills instead prominently featured the much more disappointing Jay +/- Stop Talking About My Diabetes(I LIKE PARTY) x (How Much For A Suitcase Full Of Nachos) + Normal Adjustment Period(STOP CALLING ME FAT)  ≈ Fuck That Hester Guy.

Reporter: WTF was with that pass you under threw?

Jay: "Devin is more of a go-get-it guy; he is not really a back shoulder or jump-up-and-get-it [guy],"Cutler said Saturday. "You learn from it."





To Hester's credit, Hester took what was ostensibly a Pretty Dick Move and tried to bury it, as even he is aware that Michael Vick coming back from the dead is what you call a gift from the News Cycle Gods, and that one must not squander it. 

--

So, TEN MILLION BASQUILLION BATMAN TRILLION guesses as to who is not aware of that?

"I look at [Cutler's shitty attitude] as a good thing," [Ron] Turner said. "He's got an edge about him that you better have if you're going to be an elite quarterback in this league."

"We don't want to temper [Cutler's shitty attitude] too much," Turner said. "Jay is an emotional guy and he's a fiery guy and he's a fiery competitor. That's why he's an elite quarterback [who left the Broncos due to his shitty attitude]."

"....Jay + Ron = Dinner on Saturday?"

sigh.

THIS IS WHY WE SAY NO COMMENT.

Also,

RON TURNER, YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

 

Well, at least that was the end of that drama OH NOOOOOO:

"There are a lot of things said when we're not playing the type of football we know we are capable of," [Lovie] Smith said.


...FEEL THE RAIN ON YOOOUUR SKIN! 
NO ONE ELSE CAN FEEL IT FOR YOU Oh Jesus, moving on.

We're Back For Realsies This Time.

Yes, we're back. We tried to wait until the regular season. We really did. 

But then Heathers Favre and Vick decided they could go no longer without beginning their campaign for queen of the Legend In Their Own Minds prom, and in an Olive Garden somewhere, Rex is beginning to wonder why Google searches for his name are coming up dry.

We're back.