We learned this week the same lesson we’ve learned four times already, which is that moving takes four times longer then you think it will. Now we are a week late.
We are very sorry. Can we make up for it with a Home/Office Themed List of Four Poorly Thought-Out NFLShop.com Items?
OH GOD WHAT IS THAT?
Holy crap, that scared us. That is the most terrifying thing we have ever seen. It’s like the nightmare you have, you know, the one about the zombie horse that suddenly learns how to run on two legs and it’s from Indianapolis, so it won’t be like, really fast, but it will be fast enough where yeah, it’s a problem re: our continued survival? What the fuck is that thing, a Halloween decoration? A tween boy’s Trapper-Keeper cover...?
OH GOD, IT’S A BLANKET!?
We’re not wrapping ourselves up in that! That’s what it wants us to do! Oh Jesus, and it wants us to pass it on as an heirloom from generation to generation, too? So, you know, it just continues to be our family’s possession without an option in the contract for escape? Yeah, OK. We’re totally going to do that. That’s not at all how shit gets started.
2. The outlet also caters to the discerning customer who now must live in their car.
Also, please note the existence of a separate Tailgating/Outdoors section immediately beneath Home/Office, as well as this item’s placement in this section for every other team, as well. Thank you.
4. This item requires a little context before we show it to you.
Here is a selection of best-selling self-retracting tape measures from Home Depot:
There is a reason why they don’t feature designer measuring tapes on Cribs. It’s self-retracting tape measure, there’s no reward for the risk of experimenting with the visuals, because tape-measure is pretty much worthless if it ends up making DIY shelving units look like they once had childhood Polio.
But this achievement somehow manages to fail at looking like a helmet, a reliable measuring tool, and an item that actually exists in real life:
But you don't have to take it from me, because your first clue that maybe this isn't such a practical purchase is that people who bought this tape measure apparently also HAD TO GO AND BUY A SECOND FALCONS TAPE MEASURE.
Really, this is actually a brilliantly thought out item, because they are assuming that since you are looking in the outlet section of NFLShop.com at a Falcon’s tape measure that you are serious about neither the Falcons nor tape-measuring, only trying to combine as many of dad’s interests into one gift as possible.