Sunday, August 30, 2009

9 Poorly Thought-Out Shop Items

I know. You can license anything. The novelty of making fun of Cowboys-branded underwear is mostly a tired remnant of the 90’s, and you can’t make a joke concerning just the Cowboys and underwear, because all the other teams have terrible cafe press undies, too. But here is a list of items for sale that are clearly only appealing to those who have a horrible aversion to taking gift-giving holidays seriously.

A majority of this stuff is, as far as I could tell, either specific to the team/players in question, the nearly sole representative of the kind in the sale section, or hilariously styled. 

EDIT: I can't count.


1.  "Game Day" Caricature T-shirts:

Let’s break down why this is a bad idea.

A. This is a men’s shirt.

B. Have you all seen Jay Cutler? I mean, are we all familiar with what he looks like? He looks like this:

He looks like a Cabbage Patch kid.

This drawing is not a hilarious send-up of Cutler, because this is actually a marked improvement from Cutler’s real-life appearance. Which means that if you wear this thing on game day, and Cutler turns in a great performance, the very best case scenario for you is that you are still a man wearing a shirt with the handsome image of a man on it. This is a feeling similar to having your favorite male contestant finally, finally win American idol, and all of a sudden you are not sure where 6 months and $3,000 went.

Worst case scenario is that everyone wants to punch Cutler and now his face happens to be conveniently located next to the organ you will ironically need the most in order to drive yourself to the hospital.

In anticipation for the vast market potential for dudes who are just slightly more socially advanced than wolf t-shirts, but not so advanced where they no longer receive an allowance: a disproportionate number of these shirts feature white or white-inspired players (What color is Sanchez here, exactly?)

This looks like the artist didn't know Sanchez’s last name before he started, so he ended up hedging his bets between Arab and Jew.

Also, Chris Cooley, I’m not entirely sure how you found your way onto this shirt, but I think you can show yourself out.

2. This is a pork chop

3. This is a hemorrhoid donut:

4. Hunter Cincinnati Bengals Puzzle:

Yes, let us enrich the children with a puzzle aimed at developing "coordination and recognition skills" that also features a bear as a Bengal. 

5. Broncos Bean-Bag Toss:

This is a fairly accurate artistic representation of Kyle Orton's QB rating this year:

This is a fairly accurate literal representation of Kyle Orton's QB rating this year:

6. The NFL sheepisly treats its pro-shop like a garage sale for poor draft choices who end up proving themselves also to be poor sex-symbol choices:

This is an honor reserved for sub-par players inhabiting default star positions within franchises that have run out of patience for them, like quarterbacks who ingest paste;

As well as "star" players whose Google search results for this,

Are suddenly dwarfed by their Google search results for this:

leading to all of them getting their parking passes, and presumably their jerseys revoked.

However, if you happen to see Devin Hester, please do not tell him that for some strange reason, half of his ladies' replica jerseys are on sale. 



Are you expecting a baby? Does Tom Coughlin dislike you?

Do you have a yellow magic marker and a nearby Fed-Ex? Do you need to tell Deanna Favre something? 

Are you a grandparent who can't remember what age or city corresponds to this kid? 

Are you a small dog who happens to know a good tailor, and you're panning on going to an ironic costume party?

8. Detroit Lions Scoreboard Desk Clock:

This is particularly unfortunate for the Lions because it's set it up so that the Lions are:

(12 x 60 = 720 potentially different time displays

(12+11+10+9+8+7+6+5+4+3+2+1) = 78 potential displays wherein the Lions are ahead.

720 – 78 = 642 potential displays wherein the Lions are tied or behind.

642/720 = ~.88)

losing 88 percent of all home games, a statistic that seems ridiculous until you see that this record managed to pan out nearly exactly (87.5%) in 1986, which was when clocks were invented.

9. But this staggering tradition of un-achievement is no longer an issue, since Detroit has apparently found a solution to its crappy game attendance, television blackout, and money tree infestation problems:


  1. Mark Sanchez looks like the kid from SOUL MAN.

  2. The Arab/Jew comment absolutely killed me.

  3. Number 4 should show the bear being sacked for a loss