Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Your 2009 NFL Schedule Snark-o-Rama, (Part 1):

The NFL released the 2009 schedule yesterday (exclusively on!) along with, as an added bonus, an “analysis” of said schedule. And as you have probably deduced, the anonymous, in-house analysis is serious journalism.

Better yet, it looks a lot like dad printing up his own dad newsletter to further analyze the effect dad has on the family:

These observations span from the woefully obvious:

To some real stong denial:

To just plan meanness:

Which means they'll go -2-18, or something.

But the one of the overarching themes seems to be that every team is a terrible mess of man rage and in for the worst season of their lives, and ug, why are we even playing? Maybe we should just cancel football:

New insult: your team is so boring that when we talk about it, we have to spice it up with the Raiders:

Which admittedly, is a team helmed by the Tom Wolfe of football.

But it's never too grim for puns!



As an added bonus, each team has “3 key moments” to look for this season, including this gem, wherein one “key moment” is literally wasted on an event that will not actually occur in this particular iteration of the universe:

Or these, which are not so much “key moments” as they are declarations that the Lions fail as much as the phrase “Lions blow” fails to meet the copy word count needed for the "3 key moments":

HAHAHA, Mangini will never be forgiven:


And finally, this:

Sorry, while I was waiting, I shot myself. 


  1. Lol at "I shot myself", as well as the "Shooting myself" label. I look forward to future articles with this label.

  2. Shaaaane! Come back, Shane!

    I eagerly await your next over-the-top beating of professional football. Or Rex Grossman, second-to-third-string Safeway Assistant Manager.

  3. Where have you gone? So long since last post :-(