Thursday, April 2, 2009

Cutler, Cutler, Cutler

The Bears are about as good at developing a franchise quarterback as they are at losing their failing franchise quarterback's phone numbers, so why not grab someone who has already been through the washing machine a few times?

Breaking (your brain) News:
At 233 pounds, 6 ounces, the Bears (hereafter referred to as "we") are now the proud parents of a new baby boy! We're going to name him Jay Cutler, mostly because that's the name he came with on his Cabbage Patch Kid birth certificate. 

That's a big purchase, though; must have cost us something pretty- OH GOD

THREE draft picks AND Orton? Why didn't we just throw in the spaceship part of soldier field?!

Because if Cutler sucks, WE WON'T BE SO MUCH NEEDING IT.

Also, if Cutler gets hurt, this is our current contingency plan:

1. Bretty Brett Brett: a dude that hasn't played since college, so he's a brain surgeon whose five year plan after graduation resulted in him becoming a mime.
2. Caleb: ditto, but in addition, the brain surgeon has only practiced on cantaloupes.
3. A slingshot made out of sausage casings. 
4. Volcano.

Which means two things:
1. It's about to become the Brady-Cutler rule.
2. Somewhere, in a lonely refrigerator box, Rex Grossman is hoping for a call about a quarterback-off between him and that slingshot.

Not pictured: job.

1 comment:

  1. cutler sucks. PACKERS will make the super bowl next year on the arm of aaron rodgers