Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Your 2009 NFL Schedule Snark-o-Rama, (Part 1):

The NFL released the 2009 schedule yesterday (exclusively on!) along with, as an added bonus, an “analysis” of said schedule. And as you have probably deduced, the anonymous, in-house analysis is serious journalism.

Better yet, it looks a lot like dad printing up his own dad newsletter to further analyze the effect dad has on the family:

These observations span from the woefully obvious:

To some real stong denial:

To just plan meanness:

Which means they'll go -2-18, or something.

But the one of the overarching themes seems to be that every team is a terrible mess of man rage and in for the worst season of their lives, and ug, why are we even playing? Maybe we should just cancel football:

New insult: your team is so boring that when we talk about it, we have to spice it up with the Raiders:

Which admittedly, is a team helmed by the Tom Wolfe of football.

But it's never too grim for puns!



As an added bonus, each team has “3 key moments” to look for this season, including this gem, wherein one “key moment” is literally wasted on an event that will not actually occur in this particular iteration of the universe:

Or these, which are not so much “key moments” as they are declarations that the Lions fail as much as the phrase “Lions blow” fails to meet the copy word count needed for the "3 key moments":

HAHAHA, Mangini will never be forgiven:


And finally, this:

Sorry, while I was waiting, I shot myself. 

Monday, April 13, 2009

Suggestions For A New Logo That Will Make The Lions Appealing Again

You have to love the Lions, a team so ridiculous that its proposed solution to not being very good, ever is refurbishing the old logo. This seems like a stupid idea, until you find out that the current logo lion is referred to as "Bubbles", a name which has the type of disturbing longevity you normally only end up with when you let a Make-A-Wish child come up with it.

While the new logo supposedly accidentally debuted on the pro shop on, I am not making this up, the side of a toy truck, the Lions assert that the new, new logo will be unveiled for realsies next Monday. And seeing as how the leaked "new" logo is just the old logo minus some Botox:

Laugh lines AND suck lines.

We suspect they're going to need a total rebranding.

Suggestions For a New Logo That Will Make The Lions Appealing Again:

You can even leave the tail!

Because it worked for tobacco!

And if all else fails:

Because those will fix anything.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter!
Only 22 more Sundays to until we can start drinking on Sunday again!

(We'll be back tomorrow with some fun stuff.)

Monday, April 6, 2009

Potential New Careers For Rex Grossman: Social Deviant

One of the sad things about college athletes is a common failure to see that 99% of them will end up as mechanics or cops or something that isn't pro-athlete, something they might have realized had they managed to pass statistics.

Your fallback is violin

Unfortunately for many college athletes, other professional interests if they don't manage to go pro often involve Xbox or the sweet release of death. This is where the vaunted bullshit major comes in, the academic equivalent of this:

Which means that Rex's fallback degree is a bachelor's in "Leisure Management".

Rex forgets that the bullshit major is still kind of a secret, and attempts to blow it for everyone in the Sun-Times, cached here:

''I remember taking a class on stress and anxiety management, and for one period -- an hourlong class -- you had to bring in a pillow and take a nap,'' Grossman said.

The major requires a 2.0 GPA, as it does not require the ability to count to 3.

The rest academic course load at the University of Florida includes pretty much you're thinking, and in addition, this cryptic offering:

LEI 4770 Leisure Services for the Socially Deviant.
Credits: 3.
Principles and practices in planning and implementing programs for socially deviant.

I think that this means that Rex is either qualified to administer fun activities for prisoners, or host BDSM parties.

Or both. 

Friday, April 3, 2009

Better Know A Back-Up Quarterback!

(Speaking of the Brady-Cutler rule:

How much do you really know about your back-up quarterbacks? They could be Matt Cassel. But they could also be Ryan Leaf. Or they could just be a leaf blower, with a mustache glued on.)

So this is the first in a series of:)

Better Know A Back-Up Quarterback: Brett Basanez!

Basanezz Hands!

Rex was only the Bears’ second-string quarterback, but he was their starting Gil Gunderson.

So when it became clear that Rex was going thrown out the car window, Bears GM Jerry Angelo swiftly moved to replace him with Brett Basanez, presumably before Brett could run off to become a vacuum salesman.

Poor Brett. Assuming a position in the Bears’ quarterback depth chart has got to feel a lot like a hot dog being thrown down a hallway. On top of this: aside from the obligatory “Brett joins [X] franchise, Brett ruled at NU” news stories, Bretty Brett has an internet presence that is comparably comfortable to being around a guy who doesn’t realize that his date just stole his wallet.

Like this story from the Tribune, charitably entitled “Backup Battle Brewing for Chicago Bears Quarterbacks”, even though it is mostly just about how coaches are willing to go on record about how Caleb is like sunshine:

"Every time we've given Caleb an opportunity, he has performed well," Smith said.

And Brett hoping that maybe he can transition this conversation into selling you a hot plate:

"I'm starting to get into it here, but there's definitely a learning curve," [Brett] said. "You have to get used to new terminology, guys running routes. There were a couple of throws [during camp] that I wish I could have had back.”

It's just this wacky ball shape that's killin' me!  

Or this uncomfortable check-up on Brett’s life, which happens to be the day he gets the call about whether or not he is being cut from the Panthers.

“I'm married,” says Basanez, 25. “I want to be able to provide. And I don't like uncertainty in my life.”

I got kids who won't stop eating! They got to do it for ol' Brett!

Brett’s plan was to play cell phone hide and seek from Panther’s management, except with human infant, pre-object permanence rules:

“I hung up and kind of hoped they wouldn't call back,” Basanez says.

Mommy and daddy eventually find him though, in the corner, with a lampshade over his head. And cut him.

“I probably should have brought [Panthers GM John Fox] an apple, or a beer. I should have done something.”

He’s joking, but it’s like the drunk best man telling a joke during his toast about how he should have been the one to drive the bride home from the bar that first night they all met.

And then there is Brett’s official website, which consists only of this:

Ozymandias would be proud.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Cutler, Cutler, Cutler

The Bears are about as good at developing a franchise quarterback as they are at losing their failing franchise quarterback's phone numbers, so why not grab someone who has already been through the washing machine a few times?

Breaking (your brain) News:
At 233 pounds, 6 ounces, the Bears (hereafter referred to as "we") are now the proud parents of a new baby boy! We're going to name him Jay Cutler, mostly because that's the name he came with on his Cabbage Patch Kid birth certificate. 

That's a big purchase, though; must have cost us something pretty- OH GOD

THREE draft picks AND Orton? Why didn't we just throw in the spaceship part of soldier field?!

Because if Cutler sucks, WE WON'T BE SO MUCH NEEDING IT.

Also, if Cutler gets hurt, this is our current contingency plan:

1. Bretty Brett Brett: a dude that hasn't played since college, so he's a brain surgeon whose five year plan after graduation resulted in him becoming a mime.
2. Caleb: ditto, but in addition, the brain surgeon has only practiced on cantaloupes.
3. A slingshot made out of sausage casings. 
4. Volcano.

Which means two things:
1. It's about to become the Brady-Cutler rule.
2. Somewhere, in a lonely refrigerator box, Rex Grossman is hoping for a call about a quarterback-off between him and that slingshot.

Not pictured: job.