The NFL released the 2009 schedule yesterday (exclusively on NFL.com!) along with, as an added bonus, an “analysis” of said schedule. And as you have probably deduced, the anonymous, in-house analysis is serious journalism.
Better yet, it looks a lot like dad printing up his own dad newsletter to further analyze the effect dad has on the family:
Which means they'll go -2-18, or something.
But the one of the overarching themes seems to be that every team is a terrible mess of man rage and in for the worst season of their lives, and ug, why are we even playing? Maybe we should just cancel football:
Which admittedly, is a team helmed by the Tom Wolfe of football.
But it's never too grim for puns!
As an added bonus, each team has “3 key moments” to look for this season, including this gem, wherein one “key moment” is literally wasted on an event that will not actually occur in this particular iteration of the universe:
Or these, which are not so much “key moments” as they are declarations that the Lions fail as much as the phrase “Lions blow” fails to meet the copy word count needed for the "3 key moments":
HAHAHA, Mangini will never be forgiven:
And finally, this:
Sorry, while I was waiting, I shot myself.