Monday, March 30, 2009

This Is Why Your Upstart League (Will) Fail: UFL

(A look at the failures of the near future, because what the fuck else is there to talk about until March Madness is over?)

United Football League: Fall '09

Oh, boy! New Football, you say?
Running concurrently with Old Football, you say?
Running concurrently with Old Football, College Football, and High School Football, you say?

...When exactly are these games being played, Tuesday?

The Spin:

“You like the NFL? You like Muppet Babies? You like them both as a singular concept? Then you’re going to love the UFL!”

“That mean, nasty NFL won’t let those poor major metropolitan areas of Las Vegas and Monterrey, Mexico to have their own franchises? We’ve got the dude who made the Jacksonville Jaguars HUGE! FOOTBALL FOR EEEERRRRYBODY!”

The Fail Points:

We’ve had this talk before. The NFL has a minor league. It’s called College. Unless you can prove to be as malleable, finite, and mom-approved as College, you can’t wear the minor league tiara.

Also, it’s clear you have not gotten to the “there aren’t enough dudes” part of the lesson, yet, so we’ll start smaller:

Las Vegas has a population of 600,000 people. Jacksonville has a population of 800,000 people. They also have similar average middle class incomes (about $45,000/year). Therefore, if you happen to fire your demographic researcher at that point, then yes, they are totally the same.

Until you remember that Jacksonville sits in an area of the country where people
actually fucking live; in addition, it’s a southern city with three military bases, making it home to people who tend to be into football. Furthermore, and I don’t mean to pile on or anything, but people have lived in Jacksonville since about the time of Genesis, which, even if you're a resident of the South, is still a solid 6,000 years.

So, NFL brand consciousness + built in Jacksonville brand loyalty = we can throw this together in between bong hits. 

I mean, seriously, the Jacksonville mascot looks like the brainchild of someone who got fired from the Henson creature shop in the 80’s for throwing up inside of Big Bird, and named with the help of a local mom’s half-finished French degree.

This was not a hard sell.

On the other hand, this is Las Vegas:

It is literally a truck stop that got out of control. Giving them a franchise of something is like giving one to the World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn off interstate 45.

Also, regarding Monterrey: you do know that real, actual football (the kind played with feet) has sort of a monopoly on the rest of the world, right? It’s great that this particular Mexican city has a couple of popular local teams, but for some perspective, their importance in mentioning order on the list of sports on the Monterrey wikipedia page is deemed below karate, and slightly above fishing.

Which, slightly above fishing? That’s practically at the same level of popularity as fishing! Why don’t we just give fishing it’s own football franchise?

Do you see how retarded that sounds? That is what you sound like, Nancy Pelosi's Husband, when you try to tell me that franchising Jacksonville and Las Vegas will be similar.

Oh, and Also:

Have I mentioned that the commissioner of the UFL, Michael Huyghue, was also Pacman Jones' agent in 2007, overseeing Pacman's delightful romp into wrestling while suspended from football, and battling the rap for his strip club assault charges?


  1. Nice. "a truck stop that got out of control" best description of Las Vegas I've heard.

  2. ^ yes. Love that truck stop joke.