Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Flacco is going to be like Felicity in the second season of 'Felicity', but diametrically opposed because he will have better hair choices. Maybe he'll grow a mustache! Please grow a mustache, Flacco!
2. I'm picking LT because the Americans with Disabilities Act says I cannot discriminate against cripples.
3. Who the hell is Reggie Bush?
4. Because Calvin Johnson will straight up frame Matthew Stafford for tax fraud if he does not get some decent passes this year, of this I am confidant.
5. Coles is kind of old, but so is Santa.
6. I likes Hines because he was in a winning super bowl and he is still cheap, like a Liz Claiborne bag at Marshalls.
7. Chris Cooley, I don't know how you found your way onto my fantasy roster, but I think you can see yourself out.
8. Vinateri is there in the event that Peyton Manning decides that this is the year that he is going to ruin Christmas for Gary, Indiana.
9. Because I had to pick something for Andrew.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
But drunk me?
QuarterRack Will Be Pitting Drunk Me Against Sober Me!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I know. You can license anything. The novelty of making fun of Cowboys-branded underwear is mostly a tired remnant of the 90’s, and you can’t make a joke concerning just the Cowboys and underwear, because all the other teams have terrible cafe press undies, too. But here is a list of items for sale that are clearly only appealing to those who have a horrible aversion to taking gift-giving holidays seriously.
A majority of this stuff is, as far as I could tell, either specific to the team/players in question, the nearly sole representative of the kind in the sale section, or hilariously styled.
EDIT: I can't count.
1. "Game Day" Caricature T-shirts:
A. This is a men’s shirt.
He looks like a Cabbage Patch kid.
This drawing is not a hilarious send-up of Cutler, because this is actually a marked improvement from Cutler’s real-life appearance. Which means that if you wear this thing on game day, and Cutler turns in a great performance, the very best case scenario for you is that you are still a man wearing a shirt with the handsome image of a man on it. This is a feeling similar to having your favorite male contestant finally, finally win American idol, and all of a sudden you are not sure where 6 months and $3,000 went.
Worst case scenario is that everyone wants to punch Cutler and now his face happens to be conveniently located next to the organ you will ironically need the most in order to drive yourself to the hospital.
In anticipation for the vast market potential for dudes who are just slightly more socially advanced than wolf t-shirts, but not so advanced where they no longer receive an allowance: a disproportionate number of these shirts feature white or white-inspired players (What color is Sanchez here, exactly?)
This looks like the artist didn't know Sanchez’s last name before he started, so he ended up hedging his bets between Arab and Jew.
2. This is a pork chop:
3. This is a hemorrhoid donut:
4. Hunter Cincinnati Bengals Puzzle:
Yes, let us enrich the children with a puzzle aimed at developing "coordination and recognition skills" that also features a bear as a Bengal.
5. Broncos Bean-Bag Toss:
This is a fairly accurate artistic representation of Kyle Orton's QB rating this year:
This is a fairly accurate literal representation of Kyle Orton's QB rating this year:
6. The NFL sheepisly treats its pro-shop like a garage sale for poor draft choices who end up proving themselves also to be poor sex-symbol choices:
This is an honor reserved for sub-par players inhabiting default star positions within franchises that have run out of patience for them, like quarterbacks who ingest paste;
As well as "star" players whose Google search results for this,
Are suddenly dwarfed by their Google search results for this:
leading to all of them getting their parking passes, and presumably their jerseys revoked.
However, if you happen to see Devin Hester, please do not tell him that for some strange reason, half of his ladies' replica jerseys are on sale.
Are you expecting a baby? Does Tom Coughlin dislike you?
Do you have a yellow magic marker and a nearby Fed-Ex? Do you need to tell Deanna Favre something?
Are you a grandparent who can't remember what age or city corresponds to this kid?
Are you a small dog who happens to know a good tailor, and you're panning on going to an ironic costume party?
8. Detroit Lions Scoreboard Desk Clock:
(12 x 60 = 720 potentially different time displays
(12+11+10+9+8+7+6+5+4+3+2+1) = 78 potential displays wherein the Lions are ahead.
720 – 78 = 642 potential displays wherein the Lions are tied or behind.
642/720 = ~.88)
losing 88 percent of all home games, a statistic that seems ridiculous until you see that this record managed to pan out nearly exactly (87.5%) in 1986, which was when clocks were invented.
9. But this staggering tradition of un-achievement is no longer an issue, since Detroit has apparently found a solution to its crappy game attendance, television blackout, and money tree infestation problems:
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
A Children's Treasury of Uncomfortable Moments From Rex's Return To Employment, Awesome New Agent Drew Rosenhaus:
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The NFL released the 2009 schedule yesterday (exclusively on NFL.com!) along with, as an added bonus, an “analysis” of said schedule. And as you have probably deduced, the anonymous, in-house analysis is serious journalism.
Better yet, it looks a lot like dad printing up his own dad newsletter to further analyze the effect dad has on the family:
Which means they'll go -2-18, or something.
But the one of the overarching themes seems to be that every team is a terrible mess of man rage and in for the worst season of their lives, and ug, why are we even playing? Maybe we should just cancel football:
Which admittedly, is a team helmed by the Tom Wolfe of football.
But it's never too grim for puns!
As an added bonus, each team has “3 key moments” to look for this season, including this gem, wherein one “key moment” is literally wasted on an event that will not actually occur in this particular iteration of the universe:
Or these, which are not so much “key moments” as they are declarations that the Lions fail as much as the phrase “Lions blow” fails to meet the copy word count needed for the "3 key moments":
HAHAHA, Mangini will never be forgiven:
And finally, this:
Sorry, while I was waiting, I shot myself.